CH2: Never Mind the Bollocks... Here's Jerry Cornelius

Jerry sat in the New Cross Inn sipping a Jack Daniels. He'd just paid Dr Octavius Stromm for the use of his operating theatre & services concerning the emasculation of one James Blonde. Una Persson walked in. She was dressed in a PVC mini-dress, knee-high leather boots & a long leather trench coat. Her hair was died black & cut into a short bob.
"Whatayado whatayasay Jerry?"
"Last time I saw you we were in an airship going over the French Alps during the Austro-Cornish fracas in a 1976 parallel to this time stream. I told you not to jump but you said you had a date with Punk Rock. I didn't have a clue what you meant but you said it was an attempt to prove that Catherine's death had not been in vain."
"I loved my sister." said Jerry downing the last of his "Jack" & passing the glass to the barmaid.
"'nother one?" the bar-maid asked.
Una Persson pulled out a long joint & lit it. She took a long drag on it & passed it to the bar maid. She took a long drag on it & passed it back. Una winked at her.
"New girlfriend?" asked Jerry.
"I loved my sister."
"So did I." said Una & there was a little tear in the corner of her eye. Dark Drum & Bass pumped out of the large PA at the end of the room.
"Blip." said Jerry.
"Don't freak out Jerry. I know you're not used to digital music."
"Blip." said Jerry looking through Una. She helped him off his chair. "Blip."
"Vikki.... could we get him upstairs?" Una addressed the blonde barmaid.
"He's not been this far forward in time before."
Jerry produced the testicles in a bag.
"Christ Jerry they're not yours I hope!"
"Blonde.... James Blonde."
"He was my target you thieving swine!" Una looked furious. "We'd spent three months setting that motherfucker up!"

"Come on Una.... get him away from the general public....fast!" The barmaid looked frantic as she said this. They helped him up some stairs behind the bar. Neither of them noticed the castrated penis that sat, flaccid in the ash tray on the bar.
"I've gone X-rated." said Jerry as they sat him down on a worn leather arm chair in a room above the bar.
"I'll say...." said Una pouring him another "Jack".
"Carpet bombing & tank attacks are PG."
"Yes love."
"Chemical attacks & nerve gas is certificate 15."
"Vikki.... could you get me some amphetamine sulphate?"
Jerry sat up abruptly. "Castration is certificate 18!!"
"You're hip with the modern world lover." said Una as Vikki left through a side door.
"Where's Frank?"
Major Nye?"
"Long dead."
"Me Mum?"
"Cryogenic freeze.... alongside Tim Leary. It was her last wish."
"Miss Brunner?"

A shriek came from the open window. There, apparently suspended in mid-air, one flight up hung a wrinkled, ravaged, dehydrated ghost of a woman. "How can this be? Jerry Cornelius! You died! I saw you die!!" she screamed. The sound of whirling blades receded as this ancient, raddled husk of a woman flew off in a gyrocopter cum sarcophagus. It transcended the height of the tallest building in Deptford & then flew into the belly of a giant Zeppelin. The side of the airship had a giant NIKE motif on it. Bombs started dropping from it's undercarriage. Fifty other NIKE Zeppelins starting raining fiery death on South East London.
"Where the fuck did they spring from!?" shouted Una as her & Jerry sprang to the window.
"Look!" said Jerry as he noticed a rift in time & space high up in the sky. "Shit! Miss Brunner's not interested in stability any more!"
"Was she ever?" asked Una as she grabbed Jerry & pressed a button on the side of one of her boots.


They were suddenly seated in The Dogstar in Brixton in 1998. A steam-powered go-cart parked outside & two police officers got off & walked into the bar. "Is Mr Cornelius in here?"

"You are under arrest for contravention of the 1987 Prevention of Flux Laws!"
Una produced a needle gun & had both of them in the throat before they could even reach the bar. She pressed the stud on her boot. Jerry & Una found themselves seated opposite James Blonde on the train.
"Where's my cock!?" He was pointing a Walther PPK at Jerry's head.
"I knew I should have refused the offer of a matter transporter." said Una.
"Who give it to ya?" asked Jerry.
"Lord Jagged of Canaria."
"Where's my bollocks?" James shoved the gun right under Jerry's nose.
"Aren't matter transporters an incongruity? Shouldn't the use of one in the twentieth & twenty first centuries have caused all sorts of upset both to us & the environment around us?" asked Jerry totally ignoring Sir James.
"Lord Jagged said I could use it for four weeks & then it will be automatically recalled to the end of time."
"That's handy."
"WHERE'S MY COCK!!!!???"


They were back in the New Cross Inn. Jerry ran out into the street in time to see Miss Brunner drop out of the belly of the Zeppelin. "Oh no you don't." he said to himself as he raised his needle gun. A needle hit her clean between the eyes. Both she & the fleet of Zeppelins disappeared as if they had never even existed leaving an alcoholic tramp laying in the gutter scratching his head. Jerry looked down at him. "You didn't see that."
"You didn't see any of that. Alright?"
"If you say so son."
Jerry tossed him a fifty quid note.